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Happy Career Day to You/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Hey, did you clean behind the cooler? Wanda Dollard: Yep. Brent: No you didn't. Wanda: Well if you knew why'd you ask? Hank Yarbo: She makes a good point. Brent: It's filthy back here. Wait a minute. What's this? Hank: It's a Dingle Puff. Brent: With an expiration date of July 1978. This Dingle Puff is over 30 years old. Hank: Ah, you could be holding the world's oldest Dingle Puff in your hands. Cool. Wanda: See? If I had cleaned behind the cooler, you would have never found that. Then where would we be? I'm a hero, really. Brent: You're still cleaning behind the cooler. Wanda: Damn it. Mrs. Johnson: Thanks, Emma. It's great to have you volunteering at the school. Emma Leroy: Oh well, it gets me out of the house. Johnson: Listen, could you watch the kids? I just have to step out for a sec. Emma: Sure. Your teacher will be right back, she... Principal: Looks like Mrs. Johnson won't be back. What are you doing the rest of the day? Emma: But I'm not a teacher. Principal: Just until we find a substitute. And what are you doing tomorrow? Davis Quinton: Hey Lacey, do you know what day tomorrow is? Lacey Burrows: Wednesday. Davis: And do you know whose birthday it is on Wednesday? Lacey: Abe Lincoln. Davis: No. I don't know, maybe it is. I meant me. Lacey: Oh, happy birthday. I'd love to come to your party. Davis: I'm not having a party. I'm heading to Missouri Jack's Rib Emporium. On your birthday you get to wear a silly hat and the waiters come out dressed like a mariachi band. Lacey: Because Missouri is famous for its mariachi bands? Davis: So fun. I knew you wouldn't like it. Lacey: What? I can have fun. Davis: You don't do anything for birthdays here. Lacey: What do you call 10% off soup and a free bun? Davis: It's OK, birthday hoopla's not for everybody. Lacey: You come here tomorrow and I'll give you and Abe Lincoln something to talk about. Watch me. Telephony System: Hello and thank you for calling Tasty Treats Bakeries. Press 1 if you're looking for employment. Press 2 if you wish to submit a delicious recipe. Press 3 if you've found an old Dingle Puff...Please wait for our next available Dingle Puff representative. Your snack-related questions are important to us. Oscar Leroy: I've been waiting in the car five minutes waiting to be gassed up. Brent: Shh, we're in the middle of an important phone call. Dingle Puffs Rep (phone): Tasty Treats Bakeries. Brent (phone): Yes, hello. We found a 30 year old Dingle Puff, perfectly preserved in its original packaging and we thought maybe you'd want to put it in a food museum or something. Dingle Puffs Rep (phone): Ah, nope. Brent (phone): Well, what should we do with it? Dingle Puffs Rep (phone): Throw it out. It's 30 years old. Hank: Ask him if we can eat it. Dingle Puffs Rep (phone): Whatever you do, don't eat it. Or anything else that's 30 years old. Hank (phone): Well, what if we wash it down with a... Dingle Puffs Rep (phone): Don't eat it. Anymore questions, that aren't about eating? Brent (phone): Who played Mrs. Howell on Gilligan's Island? Karen Pelly: Hey Emma, what are you doing? Emma: Well, I have to keep a group of 10 year olds busy for a couple of days. Do you think three hours is too long for nap time? Karen: They're 10 year olds, they don't nap. Emma: Well, Brent had nap time when he was ten. Wanda: He still looks sleepy. Emma: What am I gonna do? Wanda: Why don't you have guest speakers? Like a career day or something. That'll eat up the clock. Emma: That's a good idea. Wanda: Well, I could swing by and... Emma: Karen, could you come to the school and talk to the kids about your career? Karen: Sure, I'd love to help you out. Wanda: Hey, why did you go right to Karen? Emma: Well, Lacey's been so busy lately. Thanks guys. Wanda: Wow, that was a steel-toed boot to the ego. Karen: Ah, don't take it so personal. She probably wants someone with a career and not just a job. Lacey: I heard it's someone's birthday, I wonder if it's true. I heard it's someone's birthday, I wonder if it's you. Happy, happy birthday, Davis. Woo! Davis: Do I get a whistle ring too? Lacey: No, that's mine. Oscar: What are you jackasses looking for? You lose some keys? Brent: No, we can't find...what are you eating? Oscar: Dingle Puff. Delightful little snack. I remember them being moister though. Brent: Did you find that on the counter? Oscar: Yeah, why? Karen: Being a police officer can be a very exciting career. Classmate 2: Have you ever shot your gun? Karen: Yes, by accident. Classmate 1: Then what did you do? Karen: Well, I had the bullet removed. Classmate 1: You shot yourself? Karen: No, I had it removed from the filing cabinet. Then I had to fill out a report. Emma: They're starting to nod off. Oscar: Geez, it's hot out here. Brent: Are you sure you're OK? Oscar: Never better. Oh, I better get home before the gas station starts spinning again. Hank: Here, let me help into the car. Oscar: Thank you, ma'am. Drive me home please, Buckwald. Hank: OK, this is freaking me out a bit. Does your Dad even have a driver? Brent: Yeah, but his name's "Wentworth." Maybe I should drive you home? Oscar: OK, but turn the heater up. It's freezing in here. Karen: I guess the hardest part of being a police officer is operating within a tight municipal budget. Classmate 1: Are you for real? Wanda: Did someone say "candy?" Class: Yeah! Karen: No, nobody said "candy." Wanda: Well, I brought some anyways. I just got too much of it. I'm surrounded by it all day long where I work. Classmate 2: What's your job? Wanda: It's not a job, little nipper. It's a career. Karen: She's a retail clerk and gas jockey. Wanda: Sounds like I'm two things rolled into one. Just like a chewy, gooey bar. Karen: Are you gonna step in here? Emma: Wanda, you got any corn nuts? Karen: Emma! Wanda: No, I'm all out of snacks. The only thing I have left are comic books! Class: Woo! Davis: Hey Lacey, thanks for the birthday song. It was really cool. Lacey: Ah. Birthday Woman: Excuse me, it's my son's birthday and I was wondering if you could do a birthday song for him. Lacey: Sorry, this really isn't that sort of restaurant. Davis: Aw, come on. You did such a great job. Birthday Woman: And you have such a lovely singing voice. Lacey: Aw, that is so sweet of you to say. Lacey: Happy, happy birthday, Lewis! Emma: Did Brent and Hank drop you off? Oscar: Yeah, they went to get me some Tums. They think that I ate this. Emma: Your car keys? Oscar: No, no, no. This. It's 30 years old. Brent found it behind the cooler. Check the date. Emma: Oh my God. You think this would interest school children for a couple of hours? Oscar: No, I'm playing a joke on Brent and Hank. They think I'm going to get all sick and crazy. So, I'm playing it up. Emma: The sick part. Lacey: And now, for the birthday girl, some free nachos. Josh: Har, these are your nachos, me harties. Nacho Mother: Other road houses serve food on something special. Not just a plate. Lacey: We do that. We serve it on something special. Josh: We do? Lacey: And here's your hubcap full of nachos! Maybe you should have washed it first? Josh: Maybe you should wash your car more often. Lacey: Well, maybe you...wait. My car doesn't have hubcaps. Karen: Just came in to get a snack. Should I pay for it or are you still giving it away for free? Wanda: Hold on, I'm suddenly feeling very sleepy here. your speaking voice, I can't seem to stay awake. Karen: I'll pay for my purchase. Shouldn't be a problem since I make more than minimum wage. Wanda: Snore. Emma: Hey, you two. I want to thank you both for helping out with the kids. They had a great time. Karen: Shouldn't you be with them? Emma: We're on a field trip. This is all they could talk about when you left. Plus, it's an easy way for me to kill a couple of hours. Anyway, I'll be at the Ruby if you need me. Oscar: I called Poison Control. They said that rest was the best thing for me. Brent: OK, you got your buckets, you got your Tums. Is there anything else you need? Oscar: I, I think I should put my feet up. Poison Control said something about that too. Brent: Get the couch. Hank: Gotcha. Brent: Leave it there. Just clear it off. Hank: Gotcha. Oscar: I think some TV might settle my stomach. Oh, my feet are starting to cramp up! Oh, oh, if only someone would rub my feet. Hank: I got the TV, man. Oscar: Oh, that's it, that's the stuff. Get right in between the toes there. Oh yeah, oh. Brent: I'm gonna need that bucket. Davis: What a boot full of fries? Lacey: That is just a fun new item. All part of the fun atmosphere here at Ruby-loos house of food. Davis: Guess I'll try the ribs. Lacey: For an extra dollar, those ribs and be bottomless. Davis: Well, I'd have to take the rest of the day off work but what the heck, I'll do it. Lacey: How about you, Emma? Emma: I don't want bottomless ribs, I don't want a boot and I don't want you to sing me a song. Just ribs and a root beer. Lacey: All right. Would you like that root beer Ruby-sized? Davis: Ooo, what's that? Lacey: Comes in a fish bowl. Davis: All right! Lacey: We got ribs, a boot and a fish bowl! Wanda: All right then. All right then, a little less running. Are you having fun with the cash register, huh? Oh, I see you've added $95,000 in sales today. Ha, ha, ha. I don't know how to explain that one to the tax man but hey, we're learning. Karen: Wew, hey guys. Sorry to interrupt but I was just chasing a dangerous bank robber and I thought he might have come through here. Wanda: Please. Classmate 1: A bank robber? Cool. Karen: Yeah, pretty neat, huh? So, you guys having fun on your field trip? Wanda: Yeah, we've done lots of cool stuff. Huh, huh? We did a crossword together, sold some gas... Karen: Hey, who wants to come check out a cop car? Class: Me, me! Wanda: Your teacher said to stay here with me. Classmate 1: She's not our teacher. We don't even know where our real teacher is. Mrs. Johnson: Nothing's ever good enough for those snot-nosed punks. Are the beans ready yet? Oscar: Brent, Brent. Don't leave me alone with the leprechaun. I think he and the monkey are planning something. Brent: I've never seen him like this. Hank: I have, but there was a bit of beer involved. Maybe we should take him to the doctor. Brent: I'll get his car keys. 1978? Hank: Unbelievable. What are the odds of two, 30 year old Dingle Puffs? Brent: How about a million to zero? This is the same one! Oscar: Come on, where's the pot of gold? I won't tell anyone. Lacey: Boot of infinity fries, Davis? Davis: Oh, not sure. Didn't realize the boot was a size 11. Lacey: Think about it. They're infinite. Davis: Getting a little loud in here, don't you think? Lacey: I thought you liked this sort of thing? Davis: I do, on my birthday. Lacey: Well, it's someone's birthday everyday here at Ruby-loos house of food! Karen: Wow, 50! That can't be right. Wanda: Hey, the candy guy left an extra big box of Gummy Chews inside. Who wants them? Karen: I guess this is way cooler than candy, am I right you guys? Class: Yeah! Karen (phone): DRPD. Yeah, uh-huh. Cows, how many cows? Fine, I'll be right there. Sorry kids, I have to go do my job, I mean, career. Class: Aw. Wanda: Aw, does Officer Karen have to go? Aw, probably has to bore some criminal to death. Oh well, come inside and we'll have a ball. Classmate 1: We want to go with Karen. Wanda: Sorry, can't do that. You could get hurt. Classmate 2: But she's really... Wanda: Inside! Sorry, sorry about that kids. Don't tell your parents I yelled. Hey, who can keep a secret. Brent: Ah Dad, we just checked with Poison Control, they said you shouldn't be hallucinating. That's not a symptom of eating an old Dingle Puff. Oscar: Ah, oh. Did they say what I should be doing? Hank: They said you should have cramps and a fever. Oscar: Oh boy, it's hot in here. My stomach seems to be cramping up. Brent: You didn't eat that Dingle Puff. Oscar: All right, ha, ha. I didn't, but you two should see the looks on your faces. Hank: Yeah, you sure got us good. So ah, where's the old Dingle Puff? Oscar: In my jacket pocket. Hank: You sure this is the right Dingle Puff? It says "Best before December 2008." Oscar: What?! Brent: So, where's the wrapper from the one you ate? Oscar: In the other coat pocket. Hank: 1978? Oscar: What? That can't be, let me see that. Oh my God, I ate the old Dingle Puff. Oh boy, here come the cramps. Lacey: Emma? Emma: What? Lacey: Bones go in the bowl, peanut shells go on the floor. Why is that so hard to remember? Emma: Well I don't know. I don't get what you're supposed to do here at Crazy McWacky's. Lacey: Aw! Emma: What? Wanda: Then, I just hit "Total Sales" and it prints out a receipt for the customer. And it has the date on it and everything. Emma: So, did you guys have a good time with Mrs. Wanda? Class: No. Emma: Well, whatever. The important thing is that they had the opportunity to not bother me for a couple of hours. Karen: Hey kids, I caught bank robber. Wanda: I thought it was cows, is what I heard. Karen: Yeah, but the bank robbers tried to get away on cows. Pretty stupid plan. Almost as stupid as phoning in a false alarm about cows. Wanda: Not as stupid as falling for it. Karen: Anyway, who wants to get a chalk outline drawn around them? Wanda: Who wants to see the most important part of my job? Fireworks. Karen: Who wants to watch me shoot a stop sign? Davis: What are you doing out here? Lacey: OK, you were right. This new Ruby is a nightmare. I'm losing my voice from singing so much and I think I may have a mouse problem from all the stupid peanuts. Davis: But I thought everyday was a birthday at Lacey's shack of insanity? Lacey: I just want my restaurant back. Davis: I just want to have a coffee in peace. Karen: Who wants to hit Wanda with a stun gun? Wanda: Who wants to slam Officer Karen's head in the cash register? Emma: What the hells gotten into you two? Wanda: We're just talking about our careers. Emma: Careers? You pump gas and eat licorice. And you're some kind of deputy or something. Karen: Oh, really? This coming from a classroom volunteer. Emma: And a homemaker. Classmate 1: What's a homemaker? Wanda: It's a word someone made up on "The Price is Right." Emma: It's more work than either of your jobs. I just don't sit around baking cookies and watching TV. Classmate 2: You get to watch TV at your job? Emma: I'll let you in on a little secret. Sometimes, when I'm lying on the couch watching TV, I eat the cookies I baked and then I take a nap. Classmate 1: When I grow up I want to be a homemaker. Emma: Yeah. Oscar: What's that for? Brent: To pump your stomach. Oscar: Oh. Brent: Let's just say it's the worst case scenario. Hank: Power drill's ready to go. Brent: OK, second worst case scenario. Emma: What's going on? Oscar: I'm dying. Brent: You're not dying. We switched Dingle Puffs on you. Oscar: How could you? Playing a cruel joke on your father when he's just trying to play a harmless joke on you. Brent: It's the same joke. Hank: What's that on your face? Emma: Oh, I found a Dingle Puff on the counter. Not as moist as I remember them. Brent: I'll call Poison Control. Hank: I'll fire up the vacuum. Davis: All right, for sanitation reasons I'm gonna have to shut this place down. Lacey: You got us there. I guess I'm just gonna have to change this place back into a plain, old, boring restaurant. Thanks to Officer Nofunski over here. Davis: Just don't forget your end of the deal. Waiters: So, from Missouri Jack's to you, have a happy birthday too. Davis: Isn't this place great? Lacey: It's so much nicer when you don't have to worry about cleaning up afterwards. Oops! Server: Uh Lady, you're only allowed to throw peanut shells on the floor. Category:Transcripts